Sunday, September 04, 2016

一时冲动,七世不祥 (A Moment of Impulse Leads to Seven Lifetimes of Misfortune): Prologue

I was originally just a puff of cloud. 100 years ago, I was happily (and ignorantly) drifting away in the sky and passed by Yue Lao's residence when that drunk old man saw me and on a drunken whim turned me into a spiritual being. When he finally sobered up, he stroked his white beard and sheepishly declared: "It is indeed an auspicious puff of cloud that is destined for divinity. From this day on, let's call you Xiao Xiang Zi(1)."
(1)  Xiao Xiang Zi - could literally translate into "little auspicious child" and the way the name is formed, it is similar to the naming convention of eunuchs.

Being the naive puff of cloud that I was, I did not notice anything wrong with my newly bestowed name and happily accepted my new identity. From that day onward, I began my life as a woman with a eunuch’s name and lived in Yue Lao's home, becoming his little assistant. That old man provided me with 3 meals a day and a little pocket money just enough to buy some snacks and wine. In exchange, I had to look over the mess of red strings(2) that occupied Yue Lao's temple.
(2)  Red strings - usually refers to the strings of matrimony and the connection between two people coming together as a couple
Time soon went by in a flash and more than a hundred years have passed. As I looked up at the sky, I thought that my days would be spent idly sitting in Yue Lao's temple and being his little assistant for the rest of my days. But I digress, since I have been told that a boring story would waste you valuable readers' your precious time. So let me get on to the part where it all began...

That fateful day a 'devil' from from who know which upper part of the Heavens came crashing down head first through the roof and landed onto the red carpet in Yue Lao's temple. The ruckus he caused was equivalent to the effect food has on my stomach after it has digested food with 'gaseous' properties. As I was having a nap, the ruckus he created caused me to wake up from my slumber and give him the 'eye' a couple of times. Coincidentally he was also dressed in red that day, and it took him a great amount of effort to pull his head out of the crater his head had created.

The moment he managed to pull his head out, he glared at me and irately commented, "Brat, instead of just sitting there and staring at me, couldn't you have taken the initiative to give me a hand over here?!".

His berating further woke me up and cleared my head a little bit, as I stared at him wide-eyed, "Haven't you already managed to get out?".

He give me the 'evil-eye' as he stood up and brushed the dust off his expensive looking clothes, and disdainfully commented, "Just look at you. One look and it is obvious that you are just a lowly maid from that stingy Yue Lao residence, absolutely no eyes (foresight)!".

I yawned lazily and moved my butt to a more comfortable position on the stone stairs. As I dug my ears, I retorted, "I might not have any eye boogers (similar sound in Chinese for foresight), but after this ruckus I definitely have an earful of wax!", as I flicked my finger in his direction, "Want to see?".

The moment I did that, he moved to the side like he avoided a plague and with comptempt in his eyes said, "Hmph, like master and servant. What can be expected from a stingy master and a beggarly maid?".

Now, I might always like nor agree with that old man who loves to steal a drink here and there, but he is still after all my Master who has provided for me food and lodging for a few hundred years now. We could be considered family in a way. So we might disagree or hate each other, but there is no way we would tolerate outsiders to badmouth us.

Squinting my eyes, I give him a look once over and said, " I heard that those from Master Ma Er's estate love to be primped and looking their best. Among the gray men there, they all dress up extravagantly and each one outdoes the other before him. I didn't believe them at first, but after encountering you fellow deity, I see that that is definitely true! What an eye opener indeed.".

Watching his face turning red with rage, I added more fuel with a smug, "So fellow deity, who one of the twelve would you be?".

"Insolent brat! How dare you!", he raged and waved his hand. In that moment a whip appeared and ruthlessly made its way towards me. Now I now I am originally a really lazy person and slacked on honing my skills, but ever since I learned that "only the strongest survive and the weak get bullied", I never fell being on practicing my skills. So after a few hundred years of practice, my magical skills could be said to be relatively good (or so I thought).

The whip made its way towards me ruthless and I thought I could handle it as I met it head on with my fan. But he suddenly made a move I did not expect, as a result my fan was shredded to bits. I stood there shocked.

Now the standard of living in Heaven is not high as all, this is Heaven after all. But Yue Lao is an extremely stingy old man and only willing to spend (that little bit more) on the jars of wine that he got high on. There was never enough left over for my daily allowance. So it was with much effort that I managed to buy that magical fan after many decades(!) of saving after cutting on corner when and where I could. The original owner, Zhi Nu (Weaver Girl), sold it to me at a discount after I begged her multiple times. What made matters worse was I just recently bought it and it was hardly warmed up in my hands before this bastard... totally and utterly destroyed it?!

The mix of emotions that overwhelmed made me unsure if the surging emotion was sorrow, anger, or pain. All I knew was that I had to give him a beating that he would remember for life to compensate the loss of my fan!

I rolled up my sleeve, and as I tied up my hair which has not been tied for at lest a century said, "You, come over here. You have two choices.".

He looked at me with whip in hand and gave me a look of disdain with a smug on his face. Having tied up my hair and mastered my courage, I stood on the steps and pointed my finger at him, "One, pay me back. Two, use your body to work off your debt.".

Looking at me coldly, he grunted and sneered, " And who do you think you are?".

I clenched my hands with crackling and announced, " I am that piece of dark ominous puff of cloud that will make your life cursed and miserable from now on. Be prepared to tremble in fear!"

Rising his eyebrow, he looked at me with surprise at my boldness and resistance, he said, "What a joke. Coming from someone who only a few hundred years of cultivation... You still have the nerve to challenge me. You sure have guts.".

Just at that moment, I cast a spell that made the carpet he was standing on become soft and mushy like quicksand. That guy was caught unaware, and his legs soon started to sink into the carpet slowly. I flashed my pearly whites at him as he started to sink unbeknownst to him, and suddenly gave him a shove. The move shocked him, but by the time he realized what had happened his feet were firmly rooted into the carpet; unable to move.

I slung my hand over his should and cunningly smiled, "You sure smell nice", and bit him without any reservations. My level of cultivation might be low and I may lose out to those deities who thousands of years of cultivation with my poor magical skills in the Heavens. Since my magical skills are inferior, I will not waste my time on using them. The important thing is to make this guy regret he ever messed with me!

If anything happens, at least there are still the laws of Heaven. There is no way he can take my life. The important thing is to make him regret and make him feel pain... very pain.

With that in mind, I bit down on him harder. He was so stunned that he did not even retaliate with his magical powers as he yelped out in pain. Instead, he grabbed my hair (which was unfortunately tied up to his convenience) and pulled it with all his might, messing up my neatly tied hair in the process! Despite the pain, I still clung onto him with all my might and refused to let him go.

"Are you born a dog? No wait, you should be a donkey instead. Let go of me you little fool!", he hollered.

With my mouth still biting him, I said, "ay eee, ohh ee onnt eett oo (Pay me, or I won't let go)".

Actually I think that I am quite the amicable person. If only this jerk did not make me lose my investment of over decades of saving (the fan), I would definitely not be so unreasonable. With determination, I bit onto him and time soon passed by with my saliva starting to drool all over him, mixing with the blood that I had drawn from him; further staining his original red outfit. Seeing that I was already drooling all over him, I thought that it was rude, so I released my bite and apologized, " Sorry, it was not intentional to drool on you. Since this spot is dirty, let me choose another spot to bite you.". With that said, I immediately selected another area and bit down on it relentlessly, "ay eee, ohh ee onnt eett oo (Pay me, or I won't let go)".

He stood there flabbergasted. I could feel his taking deep breaths as he started to shake with rage, "You are the one biting people and you think I am dirty? You dare to tell me that I am dirty?!". His whip changed into a short one and it was aimed at my behind. Before I know it, searing pain met my bottom as the whip made contact with it. I yelped in pain and instantly released my bite on him. I was furious and stunned at the same time, but yet managed to sob, "You are the one that ruin my fan and refuse to pay me back. You even have the nerve to spank me when you are the one who damaged other people's property!".

He was just as shocked as me retort as he regained his senses and hollered back, "You have the audacity to talk back! So what if I spanked you? Was it wrong? Was it? Was it? Who asked you to bite me.". For every "so what", his whip collided with my bottom. All I could feel was the searing pain from the bottom reaching my head. It was absolutely unbearable! I was about to explode with anger from the pain that was being inflicted on me.

With fury I yelled, "No one has ever dared to spank my bottom!". And with that declaration, I gave him a hard headbutt in the chest with the intention of destroying him along with myself. As soon as my head collided with his chest, all I saw was little birds flying around me head as I dizzily lost control of the spell on the carpet and it soon reverted back to its original form.

He was also dizzy from the collision and so I took the opportunity to grab his hair and made lose his balance falling to the ground. He soon recovered from his daze and started to pull at my hair and we tumbled onto the ground together as we lost our balance. Although we were on the floor, we still clung onto each other and pull at the other, poking the nose, pulling the ears.. all movements we could think of we did rolling all over the floor in Yue Lao's temple. Magic spells? None came to mind as we used the most primitive methods to get back at the other.

We went on and on and on.... I have no idea how long we were pulling out each other hair, or how many books we knocked off the shelves. But soon the ruckus we created attracted the drunk Yue Lao and he was utterly horrified as he wailed, "Oh my goodness! The red strings! The red strings are in a utter mess!"

And so that is how the story begins...
Next Chapter >>


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